I Get Lost In The Wind ~

The steady breeze is blowing through the windows escaping down the hallway. When I feel the touch of the wind I get caught in a trance. Does that ever happen to you? It reminds me to stop and breathe. It speaks calmness into my soul and for a moment I feel like this day is going to be manageable. It whispers all of the positives that have happened during the day, reminding me to look up and get out of the slump I'm in. You can probably tell I am pretty meloncholy at times. = ) I'm telling you I find that when I am pregnant my moods exaggerate. I'm either so high on life or I'm blue and can find a million things why. This blog is not ment to be a downer. I promise there have been some wonderful times this past week that I will share. It's just I love having a place to lay my thoughts down. I need a place to be honest and real; a place to be me. Thank you.

Being at home full time has had it's ups and downs. For the most part I wouldn't change a thing. However, there are times when I feel like I am the lead character on "Groundhog Day." That is such a disturbing movie for me. Brian loves that movie. It's one of his faves. For me it makes me cringe because to do the same things over and over again is torcherous. I try to live freely with Hannah doing different things during the day, planning it as it comes. But for the most part we are managed by her sleep and eating schedules. She is such a happier baby when she goes to sleep at regular intervals throughout the day and I am much more sane, but also much more bored. I either sleep when she sleeps or try to figure out what I could do for me that would be fun.

I got hooked on the first season of 24 when Brian rented it out. I feel for any of you who had to watch only one episode at a time waiting what might have seemed an eternity til the next one. My heart is with you. We have been staying up watching like 3 or 4 episodes a night. It's a soap opera in a way, but much more intense. = ) So this has been a fun way to escape from the regular routine. I also decided to focus on the backyard, prunning and weeding. I have to be careful with my pregnancy and allergies, but Hannah plays in her playpen and I am one with nature. I'm also trying slowly to get back on the piano. I know I need to do it. I love it when I start, but it is such a struggle to get on that bench. I'm such a perfectionist and when I make too many mistakes for my liking I quit and don't want to try again. Silly huh?

We've spent some great evenings together as a family lately. Brian adores Hannah. He chases her around the house and she tries to get to "mama" because she knows "mama" will keep her safe. lol. She loves to scream for attention more and more. The books say to ignore it til this faze ends or whisper back so she can see your mouth move, but can't hear what you are saying or say 'use your inside voice' and deter her attention to something else. We're trying. Her new words are: "on", "out", "bye bye", "ovv" for off, and "bubba" for bubble, and "baba" for baby. It has been so fun to talk to her. That's our biggest thing I guess.

So the wind has subsided and I must get ready for bed. = ) I want to spend some much needed quite time with the Lord. So goodnight.

One more thing as a side note to my Aunty Mel. Please send me your email address. I would love to write back to you more. Love ya!

Hmmm...A Title ~

I could put down allergies or exhaustion again for my title, but I will spare you. lol.

Hannah and I did go to a park with some other moms for the morning. We had a nice time. The weather was suppose to be very warm, however when we got to the park the wind chill factor was like 40 degrees. = ) It was nice and sunny there. I was able to connect with some friends I haven't seen in a while.

I think Hannah is probably too young yet to really appreciate the park. She liked the swing for 5 mins and then wanted up. She slid down the slide a couple of times, but I didn't really see any excitement in her facial expression. She did, however enjoy eating the bark off the ground. She thought that was pretty funny since I kept on throwing them away and saying, 'Yuk Hannah.' What ever happened to sand? I just haven't found a sandbox she can play in yet.

I'm telling you that little outing to the park wore me out. I slept for two hours with Hannah and still had to sit on the couch like a zombie till Brian got home. He has encouraged me that I was the same way with Hannah. That makes me feel a little more normal. I've felt the baby kick a bit the past couple of days. I go in to find out what it is July 8th. We'll see. We don't really care either way. We're pretty casual about the whole thing.

Till next time. It is almost my bedtime. lol.

Costco ~

I had a nightmarish thing that happened to me at Costco the other day I thought I would share. Hannah and I had been in the house for about two straight days so I wanted to bring her along with me to Costco to give her another perspective on life. We got there, found my card, strapped her in, had my grocery list, and started loading up the cart. I was very proud of myself because I didn't stop to browse or pick up things I wanted that weren't on the list. It was a quick trip and got everything we needed. Hannah was a dream baby, just looking at everyone and everything, drinking it all in.

When we got to the register the cashier found something wrong with my card and had a gal go check it out. Hannah was on the other side of the register in the cart which made me a little nervous. The gal took about 10 mins to get back. She said that my card had expired and that I needed to get a new one before they could ring me up. I asked how this could be that I was using it for 9 months and it was fine. She said that our old church discontinued our membership the 28th of last month. I was frusterated because there was a line of people right behind us, Hannah wasn't in my arms, I did not get a notice in the mail about the change. The gal said to go to the membership area and ask if our new church has signed us up yet. I said why would they do that if our old card was working for months?

In my frusteration I took Hannah, they put my cart to the side and went to see the gal at membership. They looked up our info and found nothing. Hannah decided then to jerk and want down. I out of my embarrassment and frusteration shook her a little to get her attention to stop. I felt like one of those moms that you see in store making a scene with her child. I then started to cry, not knowing what to do. I had our dinner in the cart.

I went back to the register, told the girl they couldn't find anything. I said I don't understand how Costco could not have any flexibility with customer's that have been faithful for years? All she could say was sorry. I asked her if I could speak to a manager. I thought I would need to call later when I got back home, but she found one right away. I sat at the tables with Hannah in my arms with tears streaming down my face. I asked him how Costco couldn't look at these situations case by case. That our card has worked for four years. That when you go to Costco you more then likely fill your cart to the rim. And how embarrassing it is to get to the register at be told you can't buy anything you had just because of a exp. that happened days ago. I couldn't believe how much I was crying. He asked me how I was going to pay for it, I told him with cash. So he overrided the system for me and let me get through this one time. I was so thankful and so embarrassed. I was not out to get Costco in anyway and this whole episode took about 20 mins.

The reason why I am telling you all of this it to maybe offer some advice, some encouragement. I learned to always talk to the manager before you take no for an answer. Also, even though I love my little daughter I learned I will not take her on those kinds of outings again. = )

I need to get going, but I am hoping to write again tonight. Hope you all have a wonderful summer's day.

The Ten Things We Learned ~

1) ALWAYS pack a bag of snacks whenever you go out because you never know when you might need them.
2) Learn of alternate routes before going somewhere by yourself without a cell phone.
3) Make sure your baby is comfortable with many things to preoccupy him/her just incase you are in the car for four hours or more.
4) Try to carry some cash with you at all times, bills and change to either pay for lunch, dinner, parking or a ferry ride.
5) Never go across the water when there is a severe thunderstorm watch in affect with possible hail.
6) Find out which radio stations broadcast local news and if there isn't any, call the radio stations and demand better updates on special reports!! j/k (I didn't do that)
7) Call Portland news stations and/or the government building and ask why there isn't better coverage of top stories in our city. (I didn't do this either)
8) Have a sun visor handing for days when baby is in the sun when you are at a stand still in traffic for hours with the sun on his/her side.
9) Be kind to other drivers who want to get infront of you to try and keep the peace, unless there is a someone behind you flipping you off and yelling, "What the _____ do you think you are doing?!?!?
10) Finally, be thankful for all that God has blessed you with. That you can find hope and peace in him when unexpected things occur as well as a sense of humor.

Yesterday was a very interesting, eventful day. A good family memory.

My Little Shadow ~

I am so filled with emotions, total exhaustion, sad that I have a list of things to accomplish that never gets finished, irritable with being available to Hannah 24/7 it seems, and pregnant with a belly that keeps growing and growing and growing. BUT, what wipes away all that at the end of the day is the thought of my little shadow.

Even though being a mom is very demanding and you never know what the next day will have in store. Even though I run out of things for playtime with Hannah and get bored with the same ol' toys. Even though I clean a messy baby three times a day for meals and three or four times for diapers. And even though whenever I try to get a project done Hannah is wanting my total, complete attention. I have to say I LOVE knowing that she loves me, that our love for one another is unconditional. I love how she buries her head in my legs, how she nuzzles her nose into my neck wanting to remember my smell, how on very special occasions that only she decides she will give me a kiss and smile a loving smile, thanking me for all I've done as her mom. I know when I stop to think of those precious shadow moments time will eventially have them end. She might not even remember any of them, but I will always hold them close to my heart. She is my special shadow. I love her so much. Hmmm... I should write a song? = )

Allergies ~

Yes, allergies. Brian and I both have them pretty bad this summer. Brian wants to scratch his eyeballs out and I want to get rid of my stuffy nose. LOL. It's pretty funny actually.

Well, Hannah and I are back home now. We had a great time with my parents. I believe that when your heart and body cries "go on vacation!" you need to listen. I didn't realize how exhausted I've been lately. I took good naps there. I also didn't realize how much I missed my friends and family.

The barbacue was great. Saw lots of people. Our old house was decorated very nicely. They did a great job. I took lots of pictures to show Brian and he also agreed with me. I was able to visit with my old neighbor. Got the scoop on what was happening with the neighborhood. I had forgotten how beautiful and quiet it was where we lived. We went to church Sunday and saw so many people, choir members and staff. I put Hannah in the nursery thinking she would need me to stay with her a while to get used to the new enviornment, ah no. She barely new I was even there. That girl, she is so funny to me. Sometimes so independent. I was sad for a second and then remembered 'hey I was free for an hour, yea.' = ) I learned what I appreciated about living there and also what I appreciated about living here.

Up there I was working two jobs and Brian was working two jobs. Here I don't need to work. I really am thankful for that. We used to commute a half hour to hour a day to and from work. Here, it is less than 15 mins. I came back home with a goal to learn as much as I could about this place and go out and live an adventure. We rarely had time to do that before. I am finding out this place has lots to explore.

Hannah has been working on her words lately. She can say now, "papa", "oma", "cracka" for cracker, "nellow" for yellow, and "paboo" for peekaboo. She also has been wanting to put on her shoes BY HERSELF, put on her socks BY HERSELF, put the pacifier in her baby dolls mouth BY HERSELF, etc... If I try to help her without her permission, oh brother, I get a big tantrum. Another thing I've been teaching her is to climb up the stairs with my supervision of course. Well, I had forgotten to update Brian so when he came out of the bathroom the other day he found her up the first flight of stairs playing with the door mat. AHHH!!!! I guess she was able to do it all BY HERSELF, but how scary was that!! One more thing she started a couple of days ago was to bury her head in my legs, always wanting to be close to me. It is very flattering, but being pregnant and having a 23 lbs. baby wanting to be in your arms all the time is a bit hard on me. It seems like some moms can pull it off and have it not even faze them, ah not me. I have come to terms that I am a WIMP!! Oh well, such is life. I sure do love her and think the world of her.

I think I've been feeling the other little one kick every now and then. I am at that stage where you're thinking 'is this baby still alive?' I remember that month with Hannah, I barely felt pregnant. All I can do is just trust that everything is alright. We have our next ultrasound July 8th. Can't wait. We want to find out this time. Good planning. Hopefully the baby will cooperate. I am definitely in my maternity clothes now. Thankfully I think I have found some cute outfits to wear this summer. I don't feel like such a big fat whale anymore with maternity clothes hiding the evidence. lol.

Mini Vacation ~

Hello my dear friends and fam. We are here visiting the grandparents for the weekend. I've caught up on sleep. I haven't needed to cook any dinners. Hannah has been preoccupied with her loving and devoting "papa" and "gran...." Still can't say grandma, we're working on it though. As well as watch some movies, like "Treasure Hunt" with Nicolas Cage. Great family movie. Reminded me of "Goonies" my all time favorite treasure movie. Tonight will be "In Good Company." Looking forward to that. Everything we've done has been pretty low key, but so good for me.

Tonight we are going to a friends barbecue at their house. (We sold our old house to them) It will be great to see old friends and our old house. Brian wants me to take lots of pictures of it. Hope they won't mind. hehe. I wonder if Hannah will recognize any of it? Hmmm.... probably not. We'll see.

Well, hope you all have a great rest of the week. I'll let you know how everything went when we get back.

I Lift My Eyes ~

That is what I've been wanting to do all day long. Lift my eyes to the Lord. Today has been a 'full of all sorts of emotions' day. My mom said that I had to remember that I am more hormonal now in my pregnancy. I sure hope she is right.

I've been dealing with a lot of things lately. When to be a crusader and when to be a listener, when to intervine and when to step out of a situation, when to open myself freely to people and when to let time reveal who I am? Without getting into too much detail, I hope that makes sense.

I've also really been missing my parents lately and am thinking Hannah and I will pay them a visit this week. I am not looking forward to the trip part of it, but I am thinking it would be a good thing for us to do.

On a lighter note, I've been wondering for a while now what does 2T, 4T, etc... actually mean? I bought some things that were 2T and they barely fit Hannah. I thought they were ment to be for 2 year olds??? So confused.

Also, I asked my friend if she worried about bringing up her little one in a certain way so that she would grow up to be a good person? Because I do. And she said something that I never even considered. She said, "no" that since her and her siblings turned out okay she felt that her baby would probably do the same thing with following her mother's example as a guide. I loved that. I am going to try to think that way more.

I better go, but I will leave you with a part of a song Susan Ashton sang that has been playing over and over in my head. And has been a constant comfort to me.

"I lift my eyes to the hills
For where does my help come?
My help it comes from the Lord
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not let my foot be moved.
He who keeps me will not slumber.
Behold who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is my keeper
The Lord is the strength on my right hand.
The sun shall not hurt me
By day nor the moon by night
The Lord is my keeper
The Lord is the shade on my right hand.
The Lord is my keeper
From this time forth and forever more."

Belated Sunday ~

I so wanted to write again. It's been too long in my opinion. We decided to get dial-up, but are afraid now to use it in the evening in case it wakes Hannah up! Oh brother! So this morning I asked Brian if he would watch Hannah while I did my blog. I close the door thinking this would be a great time to formulate my thoughts about the past couple of days however, my wonderful little girl is outside the door crying. Where did my solace go? I'll have to be creative and find it another way.

Okay, she's calmed down a bit. I think maybe I can start to write again. Let's see... Honestly, I don't remember too much from Friday to Saturday, but Sunday was a great day. The message at church was probably one of my favorites that I have heard in a very long time. It talked about Isaiah 30:15, being quiet with the Lord, allowing him to show you who you are. Resting in the Lord and finding your strength.

Being quiet is a very scary thing for me. Either my mind is still racing with thoughts and prayers or I fall asleep! lol! During my time with God I am usually the one talking. Another thing that scares me is that I won't be productive. I'll have so many things on my list to get done that I will feel guilty sitting by myself for a long period of time just being quiet. I really want to try this though. I think what I'm going to do is when Hannah goes to bed, go find a quiet place to sit and listen for hmm... I'll try 10-15 mins. for starts. See what happens. The message really challenged me. I loved that.

Brian and I got a wonderful treat as well. We found a babysitter for Hannah and went out on an official date! We so wanted to see "Star Wars," but it was all sold out when we got there. Bummer!! I told myself that I wasn't going to be disappointed so we decided to go out to eat to a restaurant I had been eyeing for a while. It had great ambiance, the food was okay. I did like the chips and salsa though. We sat and talked for a long time, really enjoying each other's company once again. I don't know about Brian, but I needed so much to remember what it was like when it was just us. We decided that we needed to try to make the time to go out once a month together. Now that we have some great people to take care of Hannah I feel much more comfortable with that.

Well, I still haven't ventured out and tried any of those recipes for Hannah yet. Maybe next week. (can you tell I am a procrastinator?) I have been a bit more busy in the kitchen though. Since my pregnancy I've despised store bought bread. I can taste the sugar and the gluten and it makes me cringe. So now that I am feeling better, I've decided to make my own 100% whole wheat bread from scratch. It was soooooo yummy! Since I already was using my mixer and all of the ingredients I thought hmmm... why not make some homemade rolls too! They were super easy to make and taste just like what my grandma used to make. It was great. Made me reminisce of all the wonderful times I had at my grandparents house. Grandpa made homemade root beer (you can't make anymore), Grandma made kuchen, poppyseed bread, homemade bread, rolls, homemade soups, fresh fruits and veggies from their garden, and homemade ice cream. She was my role model for sure. She knew how to cook, clean, sew, knit, crochet, stitch, paint, play the piano, sing, I could go on and on and on. I really do miss her. She was the one who started me on garage saling too. he he.

Anyway, off on a bit of a tangent. Oh yeah, so I had some time to sit down Saturday and plan out the meals for the week. Went to the store and got everything I needed. (you must know that this is a HUGE learning experience for me, I never know what I am going to cook the next day our meals are pretty sad actually) Sunday I had a pot roast in the slow-cooker and we had a great lunch ready after church. 1 point for mommy! So we'll see how the rest of the week plays out. lol.

I Love this Time ~

Whenever I get a chance to write it is so freeing for me. Ya know, I never liked writing because it was always an essay or a paper or a thesis, all of which were graded and commented on by the 'all powerful,' 'all knowledgeable' teacher. I would be so afraid of my grammer or my punctuation or that I didn't start a new paragraph at the correct time. To much stress! Here, I have so much freedom. It's like the sky's the limit.

Hannah has been learning new things everyday. She decided she wanted to go around in circles. I laughed. What makes her want to just do that? She also shakes her head til' she is dizzy and almost falls down. I am almost to the point where I am getting concerned. I hope it's nothing serious. Another thing she has learned is to walk backwards with her push toy. I never taught her that. I wonder if she learned that from being in the nursery? She is such a joy, heavy, but a joy to be with. She can adapt to almost anywhere I take her. I think she entertains herself with all the new things she sees. Kinda reminds me of myself. I hope she won't aquire my flightiness though. lol.

I started my ban of TV last night. It was amazing. For the two and a half hours I had to myself I reorganized and cleaned up our entire downstairs. I'm telling you I did quite a bit. It was great! I turned on some music and enjoyed the evening.

I also checked out some cookbooks from the library on how to cook for your baby the other day. One was about organic foods (I had to put that one away because it was making me stressed and worried I wasn't feeding Hannah healthy enough foods). The other one was a gourmet cookbook divided into stages of baby's food development. I loved it and got very inspired. I really want to try some of the recipes in there. When I figure out how to take a picture of the book and post it on my blog I will do that. I'll also let you know if any of the recipes turned out and were a success!

One more thing I forgot to mention, I am teaching Hannah how to sign 'please' and 'thank you.' My child needs to have manners ya know. lol. She's so cute, she means well, but get them confused and mixed up. It's fun to watch her. Oh yeah, and she also started hitting when she gets frusterated or playful. Not a good thing in my book. I've been trying to teach her to be gentle. Works 50/50 and also to give hugs instead. She does to me which is so redeemable. hehe.

Brian and I really are needing to have a date night pretty soon. I'm trying to think of fun, creative things to do on our much overdue date. Have any ideas?

Have a great evening. Good Night.

Quiet ~

It's 5:00am in the morning and I'm wide awake. Thankfully everyone is still sleeping. Ah...I can write again. I was thinking, how could I continue posting in my blog without making my child play in the office for an extended period of time. Yes! I can write out my thoughts on paper in any room we're in and when I'm done just type in the data and voila, published in 5 mins. I am going to try this and see if I'm successful at it.

I felt much better yesterday than I did the day before. I really believe I wore myself out. My body said, "STOP!" Yesterday and last night I went to bed at 9:00pm. Hannah's been waking up at 6:30am lately so I've needed to sleep way early. So I've been getting on average so far 9 hours of sleep. My body has tried to tell me I'm pregnant, but I've just been forgetting. Now, I'm beginning to realize I need to slow way down, take it easy.

Hannah and I got together with our play group. started at the park, but got rained out so we ended up at the mall, walking and sharing what our tastes in clothing and shoes were. It was fun for me to observe how different and unique we all were. I like to get together regularly. I enjoy their company so much.

We had some friends over for dinner. It was nice to hang out and get to know them better. They had two children that were so cute. I was thinking about something this morning how I've been around kids a lot lately, of all different ages. It's been very educational. I've forgotten what kids are like. I've been going month to month with Hannah, taking what comes next. Not even comprehending that she is going to be 2 one day, or 4, or 7, etc...

I read a little before bed in my "Captivating" book by John and Staci Eldredge. Basically they're trying to uncover what so many of us women have hidden away which is our captivating heart. What makes us unique, beautiful, living our lives with radiance. I'm in the chapter that talks about being wounded by our past, hating what has happened to us. It's kinda hard to read, but I can relate to some extent. For me there have been people who have said things to hurt me and put me down or have treated me in a certain way that has made me shy away from my own beauty. I have created shields of protection to protect me from getting hurt again. From reading this book I see that by being that way I'm hiding parts of myself ment to shine and be beautiful for all to see. I really want to get back to when I wasn't afraid to be me. I'm on a journey to find out who "me" is again. I'm loving it actually. It's been so freeing. By observing my friends I've seen how different we are in our looks, in our tastes, in our giftings. God has made me specifically for a reason and purpose that is totally unique to me. I'm hoping through my journey I will develop enough courage and determination to unveil my own captivating heart in what God has placed me on this earth to be and do. I'll keep you posted. = ) Until then have a wonderful day and enjoy who you've been so masterfully created to be...Captivating!